Sweet T,
You are 14 today. You are in the throes of the teenage years. I remember when you turned eight, I was sad because I felt like turning eight put you (and our family) into an entirely new age bracket/family season. Well, think how I feel about you turning 14!
I cannot begin to articulate how insanely proud I am of you and all that you have accomplished and overcome in the past year. Age 13 was not your best year. You suffered through your ED for most of the year, but you are stronger now as a result. I still marvel at how you were able to go to the Eating Recovery Center every day over the summer and go to battle against your ED. Next Friday, I will proudly watch you speak to administrators at your school district administrative offices about why the middle school health unit was detrimental and contributed to your ED. You are now using your experience to help other adolescents and I am beaming with pride.
The doctors say you are weight restored from your ED, but you are still a tiny little thing. Tiny, but strong. At your last weight check, you were 95.3 pounds. I love massaging your back and legs because you are so muscular. Unfortunately, your period has not returned, and this is a big stressor for you. Your pediatrician thinks you need to gain one or two more pounds for your period to return, and man, I want that for you so badly. So do you! Your eating has improved dramatically. I rarely worry about your ED coming into play anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still watch everything you eat, but when I think about where we were a year ago, I cringe and thank Jesus that we are on the other side.
You have distanced yourself from several of your friends from Newcastle Elementary, specifically Ella. It has been a very interesting social dynamic to watch. Most of the girls you were close with during 6th grade: Ella, Livy, Ai-Vi, Julia, Olivia, Taylor C and Lauryn are not close friends anymore. For whatever reason, you have all grown apart and you have surrounded yourself with new friends: Addie, Bella, Nicole, Samantha and Sydney. I am proud of you for being true to yourself and recognizing that some relationships are not healthy, but it also makes me sad to see some of these friendships end or evolve into something different. I always encourage you to be kind and inclusive of everyone. These teenage years are hard!
You are an excellent student. You excel in school and it does not appear that you have to work very hard for it. Don't get me wrong, you are diligent about doing homework, but I remember having to work much harder for good grades than you do. Studying comes naturally for you. I compare you to Matty, who comes home from school and is stressed and flustered, and you come home, pop open your laptop, work for about 30 minutes, and then you are done. You have had straight A's all through middle school (maybe one A- and one B) and I do not have to micromanage a thing about your schoolwork. You are independent. You showed me an essay you wrote for Advanced Language Arts last month, and it brought me to tears. You are a gifted writer (I am NOT) and you wrote so eloquently about your eating disorder. I know you are going to excel in high school!
Your first passion is still dance. You are currently taking jazz and contemporary. Long gone are your ballet days. This winter, you will be competing with a jazz group for the first time, so I am excited to see how you like dance competitions. I am thrilled that you are back at dance. You have a nice group of friend there. None of them go to school with you but maybe it is good to have a separate group of friends? This spring, you plan to try out for the high school drill team. Oh, how I hope you make it! I have such great memories of my high school years, and it had everything to do with being involved with cheer and choir. I want the same for you!
You love all things social, despite your mom's insistence that you cannot be on social media. All of your friends have Snap Chat and most are also on Instagram and TikTok. I am not allowing you to be on social media yet because I worry about the negative influences they will have on your mental health. Until recently, you have agreed with me on my stance. I watch how you use your phone to take pictures of yourself, and it shows me just how much technology is playing into your youth. It is gross. I want to take all phones away (from you and all your friends) so you can experience a childhood free from worry about judgment and trying to fit in. Alas, I know I will not be able to do that, so I am working very hard at boundaries.
You were very upset when Matty came home from school in December and told you that he had a girlfriend. You were not okay with him having a girlfriend before you had a boyfriend! For reasons I will never understand, you are desperate for a boyfriend. I assume this is because you have watched enough teen movies about love and romance. Not many (actually none) of your friends have boyfriends either. I tell you all the time that your identity should not be found/placed in a boy's opinion of you. I wish you would believe me, but I know that you deeply desire to be liked by cute boys. :) The good news is that you went away on a church retreat last weekend and came home with a huge smile on your face. You met a boy there, named Nathan, and the two of you have been texting constantly since you got home on Monday. So, we'll see where this goes. I am excited for you but pray that you are not boy crazy.
For your birthday this year, we surprised you and flew Harper here from Atlanta for the weekend. It was a last-minute decision, but it was an amazing surprise! You were absolutely shocked when you came home from dance and saw Harper in our family room. The tears started flowing immediately. The two of you share such a special friendship, and I am so glad you have each other as you navigate these difficult teenage years.
Other notes about you at age 14:
- You got your braces off in November and you have the prettiest smile!
- You eat microwave popcorn almost every single day. It is your go-to snack of choice.
- Your favorite restaurants are Aji Sushi, Din Tai Fung, Chipotle, Panera
- You love to wear baggy sweatpants and cropped shirts.
- You and I have almost the same shoe size now (your feet are about a 1/2 size smaller) and you wear my clothes from time to time. I am always flattered when you want to wear something of mine, but then I am envious when the clothes look way better on you than me. :)
- You have acne most of the time despite your best attempts to keep your face clear. You are very self-conscious about it. As much as you hate it, it is not bad enough to warrant medicine like acutane.
- You binge-watched Friends this past year and loved the series. It was your escape during your dark days at ERC.
- Sometimes when I snoop and read your text messages (in my defense, you signed a contract when we gave you a phone that gives us permission to check it), I am touched by the notes of encouragement and kind messages that you send to your friends.
- You are a perfectionist. This is a scary quality because it sets up you up for disappointment. I tell you all the time that I do not want you to be perfect. Failure is part of growing up and learning.
- You tell me often that you feel numb and are not capable of feeling emotions. I think that is untrue (evidenced by your reaction when Harper surprised you), but maybe it is going to take some time to feel real, raw emotions again after your ED.
- I love coming into your room to say goodnight and see you reading your Bible or writing in your journal. I pray you carry these habits/routines with you throughout your life.
- You want to be an advocate for change not just when you grow up, but also now. You have told me many times that you feel like you are not doing enough at your age to make an impact in the world. I find this so fascinating because I do not think I thought about that once at your age. I tell you that you need to give yourself some grace. Look at what you have overcome in the past year! And look at what you are doing to make positive changes at your school for future health classes.
- You have asked me a few times this past year if you ruined my life. It makes me laugh. You ask this because you know how much I have to give up/sacrifice to raise children. I tell you all the time that it is my honor to have a daughter like you and I do not look at it as a sacrifice at all. But it secretly makes me happy to know that you want to have a career and make a difference in the world.
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